Teeny Tiny Toddlers Tales of toddler antics. Non-fiction.
Are you struggling to get your toddler ready and out the door each day? Do you find your sanity slowly ebbing away? Don’t worry, just follow this easy step-by-step guide:
1. 2yo wakes up at unholy hour and demands immediate cuddles
2. Leap out of bed and rush into his/her room to satisfy said demand
3. 2yo will starts to cry and demand the other parent
4. After both parents are up and giving groggy cuddles, 2yo will lose all interest in cuddles and demand morning milk
5. The milk offered will be too hot/too cold/too white and almost always in the wrong cup
6. Cue tantrum, which will wake up the baby
7. 2yo insists loudly on sitting in parent’s lap, usually the one who has gone to pick up baby
8. Cue another tantrum
9. 2yo eventually concedes to drink milk like a feral animal
10. Announce that it is time to brush teeth and get dressed
11. 2yo suddenly finds toys/carpet/speck of dust on floor fascinating
12. Make the same announcement cheerfully a few more times
13. 2yo pretends not to hear you
14. Repeat request again firmly but politely
15. 2yo’s legs have mysteriously broken and he/she can absolutely not move an inch
16. Carry toddler up the stairs
17. 2yo insists on singing “Wheels on the Bus” as you attempt to brush his/her teeth
18. 2yo protests loudly at having hair brushed
19. 2yo’s legs have miraculously healed and wants to pick out own clothes for the day
20. After all clothes in the box have been tipped onto the floor, 2yo chooses swimming costume
21. Explain that this is an unsuitable outfit for nursery and patiently wait for tantrum to subside
22. Attempt to dress 2yo in the eventually agreed upon outfit, which consists mostly of buttons
23. 2yo decides this is the perfect time to practice his/her headstands
24. Think hard about whether you really need to shower yourself
25. 2yo insists on selecting your outfit for you
26. You’re already running late and to avoid further delay, just wear whatever 2yo has selected
27. 2yo protests loudly at the breakfast you have provided
28. 2yo demands biscuits instead
29. If you really want to be efficient, just smear breakfast onto 2yo’s face and throw the rest on the floor
30. Clean up mess from breakfast
31. 2yo puts shoes on hands and runs around laughing
32. Perform obligatory chase around the house
33. 2yo’s legs may have broken again upon leaving the house, if so, carry him/her to the car along with your bag, water bottle, spare clothes, school bag, snacks, various stuffed animals etc
34. 2yo wants to get into car seat him/herself
35. Wait an eternity for 2yo to sit down and try to do straps
36. Expect tantrum at your offer to help
37. Expect tantrum when he/she realises that he/she needs help
38. Drive to nursery singing a medley of children’s songs
39. Explain to 2yo that you can’t help get his/her water bottle because you’re driving
40. Explain repeatedly at regular intervals
41. Arrive at nursery late
42. Ignore disapproving stares from people who are better parents
43. 2yo announces loudly that he/she does not like nursery
44. Cue tantrum
45. Try your best to remain calm and present your “public face”
46. Bribe 2yo with biscuits
47. Smile brightly at nursery teachers and watch in disbelief as your child does the same
48. Hug and kiss 2yo obnoxiously
49. Get back into the car and feel thankful that you don’t have to do this again for another 24 hours
50. Arrive at work and instantly miss your 2yo
