How To Get Your Toddler Ready Each Morning In 50 Easy Steps

Are you struggling to get your toddler ready and out the door each day? Do you find your sanity slowly ebbing away? Don’t worry, just follow this easy step-by-step guide:

1. 2yo wakes up at unholy hour and demands immediate cuddles

2. Leap out of bed and rush into his/her room to satisfy said demand

3. 2yo will starts to cry and demand the other parent

4. After both parents are up and giving groggy cuddles, 2yo will lose all interest in cuddles and demand morning milk

5. The milk offered will be too hot/too cold/too white and almost always in the wrong cup

6. Cue tantrum, which will wake up the baby

7. 2yo insists loudly on sitting in parent’s lap, usually the one who has gone to pick up baby

8. Cue another tantrum

9. 2yo eventually concedes to drink milk like a feral animal

10. Announce that it is time to brush teeth and get dressed

11. 2yo suddenly finds toys/carpet/speck of dust on floor fascinating

12. Make the same announcement cheerfully a few more times

13. 2yo pretends not to hear you

14. Repeat request again firmly but politely

15. 2yo’s legs have mysteriously broken and he/she can absolutely not move an inch

16. Carry toddler up the stairs

17. 2yo insists on singing “Wheels on the Bus” as you attempt to brush his/her teeth

18. 2yo protests loudly at having hair brushed

19. 2yo’s legs have miraculously healed and wants to pick out own clothes for the day

20. After all clothes in the box have been tipped onto the floor, 2yo chooses swimming costume

21. Explain that this is an unsuitable outfit for nursery and patiently wait for tantrum to subside

22. Attempt to dress 2yo in the eventually agreed upon outfit, which consists mostly of buttons

23. 2yo decides this is the perfect time to practice his/her headstands

24. Think hard about whether you really need to shower yourself

25. 2yo insists on selecting your outfit for you

26. You’re already running late and to avoid further delay, just wear whatever 2yo has selected

27. 2yo protests loudly at the breakfast you have provided

28. 2yo demands biscuits instead

29. If you really want to be efficient, just smear breakfast onto 2yo’s face and throw the rest on the floor

30. Clean up mess from breakfast

31. 2yo puts shoes on hands and runs around laughing

32. Perform obligatory chase around the house

33. 2yo’s legs may have broken again upon leaving the house, if so, carry him/her to the car along with your bag, water bottle, spare clothes, school bag, snacks, various stuffed animals etc

34. 2yo wants to get into car seat him/herself

35. Wait an eternity for 2yo to sit down and try to do straps

36. Expect tantrum at your offer to help

37. Expect tantrum when he/she realises that he/she needs help

38. Drive to nursery singing a medley of children’s songs

39. Explain to 2yo that you can’t help get his/her water bottle because you’re driving

40. Explain repeatedly at regular intervals

41. Arrive at nursery late

42. Ignore disapproving stares from people who are better parents

43. 2yo announces loudly that he/she does not like nursery

44. Cue tantrum

45. Try your best to remain calm and present your “public face”